Missing Pages

I walked on the beach as the sun shone down, as the birds flew overhead, and the sea creatures surfaced at the meeting of the blue and pink horizons. I walked on the beach and thought of you. I wondered what it would be like to walk these shores alongside you.

I found myself daydreaming and wanting to reach up and hold your hand as if I were a child again. And as I gazed deeper into the horizon I discovered just how truly far apart we were. I mused about putting a message in a bottle and I wondered if it could ever reach you.

My mind dwelt on times that we shared ice cream after the rest of the family went to bed, the way we both swooned over Sully during our midnight viewings of Dr. Quinn, the way you spoke of falling in love with Dad, and you sharing the excitement that you felt as each child was born and added joy to our family.

I remembered many moments in my childhood when it felt that the world revolved around you and me, but then my memories go dark and it seems I can't remember anymore... years of life are missing from my mind. What did we do with that time, you and I? Where did our friendship go? Who or what received our time or dedication that we felt was more deserving?

I look back and wish we could find those missing pages, that we could fill them up with moments of joy and acts of unconditional love. At first those missing pages made me sad, but now I realize that the times ahead can be made far more valuable than the times we missed. I can't wait to pick up where we left off. I look forward to the day when we wipe away eachother's tears and finish the race hand in hand.

At the end of my musings, my damp eyes closed and I imagined that you were here walking toward me. I've never seen a smile on your face so sincere and peaceful as I did in this daydream :) But I knew--I finally knew, that you were smiling at me. We've never spent much time alone together, and now I sometimes imagine that everything disappears and just you and I are sitting together on the beach. I often wonder what you would say to me. Would we tell stories and laugh as friends do or would we merely share a warm embrace that spoke more than words ever could. I wondered if you were happy to see me, and then I realized that it didn't really matter because the most important thing I knew in that moment was that my heart leapt at the prospect of seeing your face again.

I love you more than you will ever know...wish you were here with me Mommy :)