Whom the Lord calls...(I really hope) he qualifies.

Soooooooo today... :) I was rudely awakened by a cell phone call and jumped up to find I had fell asleep on the couch from studying late last night. Lo and behold, it was a member of my bishopric wondering if I could come in for an interview...in 30 minutes...it's a 15 minute walk to the church- you do the math. I quickly readied myself, and ran out the door. As I walked into the building, Brother Tai greeted me and we sat. As he talked to me about school, life, and family, I wondered what could possibly be my calling. He told me they had prayed about it and decided that I should be called as the new 1st Counselor in the Relief Society! SO I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, but it seems the responsibilities come no matter what :) So today has been jam-packed with meetings, and I'm beginning to get really excited! I am concerned however that it will be difficult to teach the girls, considering I'm one of the youngest in the group...but I really hope the Lord starts to qualify me really quick so I can be an example to them all.
Love you all, any advice or ideas on the subject is welcome!!

Missing Pages

I walked on the beach as the sun shone down, as the birds flew overhead, and the sea creatures surfaced at the meeting of the blue and pink horizons. I walked on the beach and thought of you. I wondered what it would be like to walk these shores alongside you.

I found myself daydreaming and wanting to reach up and hold your hand as if I were a child again. And as I gazed deeper into the horizon I discovered just how truly far apart we were. I mused about putting a message in a bottle and I wondered if it could ever reach you.

My mind dwelt on times that we shared ice cream after the rest of the family went to bed, the way we both swooned over Sully during our midnight viewings of Dr. Quinn, the way you spoke of falling in love with Dad, and you sharing the excitement that you felt as each child was born and added joy to our family.

I remembered many moments in my childhood when it felt that the world revolved around you and me, but then my memories go dark and it seems I can't remember anymore... years of life are missing from my mind. What did we do with that time, you and I? Where did our friendship go? Who or what received our time or dedication that we felt was more deserving?

I look back and wish we could find those missing pages, that we could fill them up with moments of joy and acts of unconditional love. At first those missing pages made me sad, but now I realize that the times ahead can be made far more valuable than the times we missed. I can't wait to pick up where we left off. I look forward to the day when we wipe away eachother's tears and finish the race hand in hand.

At the end of my musings, my damp eyes closed and I imagined that you were here walking toward me. I've never seen a smile on your face so sincere and peaceful as I did in this daydream :) But I knew--I finally knew, that you were smiling at me. We've never spent much time alone together, and now I sometimes imagine that everything disappears and just you and I are sitting together on the beach. I often wonder what you would say to me. Would we tell stories and laugh as friends do or would we merely share a warm embrace that spoke more than words ever could. I wondered if you were happy to see me, and then I realized that it didn't really matter because the most important thing I knew in that moment was that my heart leapt at the prospect of seeing your face again.

I love you more than you will ever know...wish you were here with me Mommy :)

Oakley the Sea Turtle

Negative Capability & Sushi

The scriptures define it as faith, the world defines it as mystery, John Keats described it as Negative Capability; all speculation on accepting the unknown. Even as a people who are constantly searching for answers and constantly pushing the limits of research and experimentation, we are aware that there are some things that we will never fully understand or correctly interpret in this life. The power behind having that faith, accepting that mystery, or nurturing that Negative Capability, is being in a state of intentional open-mindedness. "Great people have the ability to accept that not everything can be resolved."-Keats

I have always had a theory, but recently I heard it put into words by another and I adopt it wholeheartedly: As members of a church where we know that there is no other faith that is more true than what we have, we tend to apply that same stance of rightness in every other aspect of our lives; thus projecting onto everyone else our feelings of what we think is the one right way to do things. They call this the Ophelia Syndrome (a Shakespearian reference); falling for the misconception that there is only one interpretation of everything in the world.

You may have found something in life that makes you feel more happy, healthy, or productive, but that doesn't mean that another individual will find the same fulfillment or satisfaction in that endeavor. Humans have been entrusted with the great capacity to think and act for themselves. Who are we to deprive them of that right? Covey had it right when he said- seek first to understand, then to be understood. Before you try to convince someone to understand your great reasoning for living a certain way or acting a certain way, try to understand the way they live and act and their reasons behind it. It will create a strength within relationships you never thought possible.

Occasionally we become so proud of the great advice we think we can give and become too eager to share it that we hand it out like a free sample of sushi at Costco. But sushi is an acquired taste; some worship it, others despise it. We cannot think that our advice will hold the same weight or value among different people. Seek to only give advice when it is solicited, do not be constantly waiting for an opportunity to speak, practice empathetic listening and think deeply about what the other person needs to hear, and not what you want to tell them.

"If you are not influenced by my uniqueness, I will not be influenced by your advice."

Yoga & Ice Cream- What A Magnificent Combo :)

So today I did homework for a good long while, made myself a gourmet salad for lunch, and then had a long but fun night! It all started when I got really brave and hitch-hiked for the 1st time ever...Me, my roommate and her fiance got picked up along the side of the road by 2 really nice poly girls who also go to BYU-H and they drove us to the next town over so we could get the most amazing food I've ever had-cheeseburger and fries at the Kahuku Grill. Then my friend Kelsea came and picked us up and we went to the school and took my very 1st Yoga Class! SO relaxing, I think I'm gonna start going weekly just to erase the stress of this crazy semester. Then as much as we felt like we should start being healthy after finishing such an exercise, a group of us opted to start our new diet tomorrow and binge on ice cream at Angel's tonight :) Such fun people on this little island, I love it! Then I ended back where I started, buried in a mound of group projects and online homework assignments. The day has come full circle, and oh how I wish these days would never end. I wish there was a little bit of employment somewhere in the mix, but that will come soon enough so I'm just enjoying every free minute I have now. Love you all, thanks for being interested in my life :)

The Prologue To My Future Bestselling Book...

As the sound of Garth Brook's newest album broke the peaceful slumber of the household, Dad put on his apron and started to make his signature breakfast; grape-nuts with molasses and hot water. Our internal clocks never seemed to mesh with that of our father, so as we dragged ourselves out of bed and into the living room our disgruntled expressions were all too visible. This never bothered Dad though, he just continued raising the flag outside in the Arizona sun so we could say the pledge of allegiance before going about our daily routines.
Dad: Rise and Shine! time to meet the day with a smile!
Brennan: Bo, put a shirt on...that's gross.
Bowman: Mind your own business, besides shirts are overrated.
Creed: Did you guys read that last issue of Calvin and Hobbes yet??
Stryder: Credit Card!!!
Shaffer: Keep your hands to yourself! That's a family rule...
Britton: Just say the pledge and leave each other alone!
After these, our routine morning conversations, we sat down to breakfast anywhere we could, seeing as a normal dining table could not accommodate such a large family (to this day I don't think our entire family has sat at a dining table together!) My favorite spot was on the ledge in front of the fireplace. I think it was my fascination with having a little nook to myself that attracted me to this particular place. A special space where I could be left alone. (I was recently reminded that family members would occasionally find me in the closet with a book or fallen asleep behind the couch.)
After breakfast we had a scripture study. Dad would start us off, and we would all try to be as quiet as we could, because when he reads he surrenders to the peace and quiet. His eyes would close slowly, and then the words start to trail off. Not that we didn't enjoy just reading the scriptures, but there was something about that sweet spirit that my father's snoring brought... Next came schoolwork which would break for lunch and then continue until about 2pm. Then we were off to a day full of chores, sprinklers and shaved ice in the backyard, and sitting on the warm metal box around the swamp cooler to play Down By The Banks.
With this being the beginning to a normal day in the Spillane household, you can imagine how we turned out the way we did- great memories of Dad, and a complete and utter loathing for Garth Brooks.

My First Steps On Oahu

Yesterday, (New Years Eve) I woke up around 5am in Denver, Colorado and boarded a plane to start my new life. Dad drove with me to the airport and waited with me all the way until security checks. It was heartbreaking to look back and see him getting smaller and smaller as I walked away. I love him tremendously and he'll always play a huge role in my life. Needless to say, I shed a lot of tears that morning. I had a 6 hour layover in Seattle, so I had some lunch and watched movies on my laptop. Much Ado About Nothing is a good one to keep you entertained for a while...

On my final flight I sat behind a single mom and her young son which gave me an interesting perspective on things. Her name was Colette, and she and her son were moving to Oahu to live with her fiance whom she had only met via internet. That's definitely a leap of faith considering she was changing not only hers, but her child's life as well at the drop of a hat. We chatted for a while and I tried to use the topic of BYU-H to move into a gospel discussion, but it didn't work very well. As we exited the plane in my new home of Hawaii, I helped Colette and her son out to their car and we exchanged pleasant words of parting.

I waited only a few minutes more until the Stansfields (family friends) found me. It was so nice to see a welcoming face, and they presented me with a beautiful purple lei! Then we drove through town about an hour to their home in Kaaawa. It was the most beautiful drive I've ever been on! Yes, it was pitch black at almost midnight, but apparently New Years is a big deal in town because every house on the island was lighting hundreds of fireworks! The entire valley erupted into fireworks as the clock struck midnight, and did not stop until nearly 4am! Brother Stansfield said they were all celebrating because they heard a Spillane was moving into town ;)
When we got to their home, Sister Stansfield had prepared a lovely little holiday feast of potato cheese soup, french bread, Martinelli's, and Fresh Pineapple with Li Hing Muy powder on it! SO SO good.

Today I was up bright and early because of jet lag and I went on a walk with Sister Stansfield and her daughter Mindy around the neighborhood. I met some of the local ladies, and got lots of information about my new home. Such a beautiful walk; nothing but ocean, lush forest, mountains surrounding me, and the sweet scent of the flowers in the trees was heavenly. When we got home, Brother Stansfield took us out in kayaks (1st time in my life) just across the street from their house, and I got to see my first sea turtle! Such a fun experience, I love it here!

On An Isle In The Sea- What A Lovely Place To Be...

I never thought that one day I'd live on a tiny rock surrounded by water, but I find myself here nonetheless; and what a unique experience it has turned out to be. It was divine intervention that brought me here, and the magnificence of the sights, the school, the people, and the aloha spirit that has kept me here. I have grown and developed in ways I never thought possible, and am now working towards righteous goals I never realized I deserved. It's amazing that by being alone you find yourself- you start to see your imperfections merely as mountains not yet conquered, and you find the confidence to keep pushing through your trials. You find out which friendships were meant to last forever, and those which had only a brief purpose in your life and have gone as quickly as they came. You decide which aspects of your past you will let influence your future, and what is truly important to you as an individual.

Books have become a great part of my life now, I see them as a symbol of freedom of intellect that proves the understanding and depth of humankind. Through studying them, I've discovered how all people eventually become books. Each of us leaves a legacy, and it can either be a bestselling novel or neglected paperback; it can either be enduring or forgotten in a heartbeat. I have yet to be written but if I were, you would read of a window to see heaven and earth, and shoes to walk them both. A sinner to teach, and a saint to learn from. A battle to fight, a war to win. A heart to love people, a door for them to leave through- But near my climax there would be joy and an enduring smile. No cry of anguish, no tearless rage. No complete closure, no final page.

To my wonderful family, thank you for molding me into the woman I am now- I'm like a turtle on a fencepost, others may marvel at how I got here, but one thing they know for sure is that I didn't get here by myself. I will never be able to thank you enough for all of the time and effort you put into teaching me. I love you all dearly, and hope to see you again soon :)
No Empty Chairs...